Questions.

Is there any merit in being that person in someone's life, who is remembered now and then but mostly forgotten, that person who, though, whenever thought of, is remembered with a smile and intense affection mixed with semi-gratitude and guilt - for being there always, for loving, always. Is there *any* merit in that?

Moving towards peace.

When I am alone, in the silence, when I allow my thoughts to wander, no ugliness is raked. I am alone, peaceful, I have no deceptive plans, nothing to hide, no guilt, I have not compromised on my basic rules, I haven't given up, I have hope but few expectations; I have a little more courage to deal with all the various realities.

I feel love for myself, for the person I have turned out to be. I feel good about myself. That is satisfying. That is so important.

Just read.

The fourth book in the Oscar Wilde Murder Mysteries series, Oscar Wilde and the Nest of Vipers, follows an interesting plot of piecing together bits of information from people's diaries but has two major loopholes. One, it begins with Robert Sherard asking Wilde to take the information he has gathered about the murder in question from the people involved/pieces in newspapers etc and make what he can of it. Oscar Wilde agrees to read his notes and the story moves to flash back. However, in the end we never come back to the present! In the notes, Wilde solves the mystery.

Two, how in the earth does Sherard get notes from personal diaries of Doyle, who constantly refers to burning them (indicating he will certainly not share them!) and of Rex LaSalle, whom Sherard is not even on terms with enough to have a conversation of any note.

The other thing that disappointed me about the fourth book is that the Wilde detective in the book has started copying Holmes of real life (if I can call it that) too much, and too openly. We don't want to read Holmes when we read Gyles Brandreth's thus far interesting series. IF we wanted to read more Holmes, there are any number of stories to reread and now there are movies too. Come Gyles Brandreth, make it more original next time.

Having said that, I still recommend Nest of Vipers to any fan of mystery and Oscar Wilde, if only for the delight of several historical literary and artsy characters, such as Bram Stoker - who was researching 'a book on vampires' at the time - and the Jersey Lily turning up here and there in the pages. There is no doubt about it, this series is joyful and make for easy yet semi-literary reading.

I am now rereading another Christie, mostly because I have discovered that my memory is not what it used to be and rereading old books I loved is bringing me immense comfort and joy.

Of rereading and pigs.

An early theme to my year seems to be rereading and pigs. If you glance at the little list that's just begun to the right of this post, you will see what I mean. This theme, I might add, is a vast improvement on the no-reading and rats of 2011.

I am currently rereading Service With A Smile, set in Blandings, as you should know and if you don't then go away and read more Wodehouse - about the only thing I can insist that you *do* read. Wodehouse improves the quality of life.

Travel comes early to me this year too, and a healing trip to Australia is in order very soon. More from, or after, the Oz then. Hope you are having yourself a wonderful beginning to the year, wherever you are.

Ohhkay then, let's move on. (Or pretend to, till we actually do.)

I scoff at the idea of boxing life in calendar years and trying to make decisions for 12 months at a time, and let me tell you quickly that I still do. If you have been reading my previous sappy posts then you may think I am being double-standardy about this and you are right. For one, and only one, area of my life, the biggest, most important, and one that needed the most urgent and best focus, for that one area I am using the end of a year to attain closure.

That only single sole one thing and, er, for a few other things.

Er *anyhow* moving on quickly, so yes, I shall also box my life in calendar years for now and make resolutions! for 2012. Most of the things I want to do next year, I have already started this year and now need to follow through and keep to in the new year.
So my resolutions are not for 2012, but for the rest of my life (resolutions are basically decisions, right?).

---> I will continue to focus on losing weight, and add exercising to controlling food. I have to lose 20 kilos, of which I have so far lost a grand total of 800g. But so what! You watch this space for updates.

---> I will read every day. I simply will. I will make time for my books, my love, I have ignored them for two years now because of always being distracted by other things I love equally or less.

---> I will drive daily. I will fire my *terrible* driver and *save* that money.

---> I will save more money. I need to save more money, and I will.

---> I will read more online and get over my irrational irritation with reading long features online. That way I will be as caught up on current goings-on as I would like to be.

---> I will be more tempered, and generous, in my judgement of things and people I have a tendency not to like. I will assume the good until proven wrong.

---> Last, and most important. Having told A the truth and finally stopping pretending to be/feel something other than what I am/do, only to keep him in my life in *some* way, I have taken a vital step towards, what is scarily called, inner peace. I will now never again give in to the temptation to return to him, because I miss him, and pretend to be okay with what I am not okay with.

I have already put this in process about other people, not stretching to reach out to any one who does not reach out to me and, after finally doing it for the one person I was unable to do it with, I think I have affected a significant change in my life. All my life I have been a people person but as I age I realise that being a people person does not necessarily mean that you make all, or most of, the effort.

Wish me peace and strength in the coming, most difficult, weeks of my life, and I wish you the same two vital things. I would wish that you have no difficulties at all, but then, you know how we are, we wouldn't call that living.

2011.

Perhaps the best thing 2011 taught me is that while I am too old to be denied anything I want, I am also too old to want that which I know will be denied. After 6 years of meeting A once a year, this year, our 7th, we met almost every month, sometimes twice. It has been really nice meeting him, spending time together like never before, but it was strengthening the illusion of a relationship that I have with him. Strengthening the illusion in my mind, and making me even more entangled in a web made of imaginary things, the web of wishful thinking.

I called him yesterday to tell him that I still love him and that to move on, I need to leave. He was supposed to be in Bangalore. But it turns out that I called him just at the exact same moment that he stepped out of a meeting in my city, on his way to surprise me by appearing at my work place. I can look at this as a wonderful romantic co-incidence or I can disregard it as a lie. He came in half an hour at any rate. We spoke and for the first time I told him the truth, the defeating truth and we parted officially. He, still urging me not to love him so much, to allow him to be a friend and not cut him out because I feel too much. Have you ever been asked not to love someone so much? It is an odd thing. Quieting as it is, it is not a sad moment. It is just a silent moment, you simply say nothing, you just let things be, you know you cannot love less, not right now, not till you leave, maybe never, maybe you will love or not love, but you can never love less.

Everyone is saying I made a great decision but I think it is was the only one. Love alone cannot keep you going from year to year and having lost the best of my years to a lost love, I now feel able to move on and welcome a new year of my life with complete blankness. It was so good that I could meet you A, and say goodbye in person and say one last time, to you, in person, that I loved you.

I will write again, though not about this for a while. Unhappiness will not leave me for a while, as the big hole left in my life shrinks and I slowly heal from my decisions. A happy 2012 to any one who may pass by. Make your decisions, stick to them, spread happiness, stay stunning.

Ironically, on their last day together, she slept next to him like it was always meant to be. Like it was always meant to be.